tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central October 11, 2011 1:30am-2:00am PDT
black president i acknowledge? then ashton walked out on demi -- i'm sorry. [laughter] plus my guest tonight, our musical group black stars. demi does not look a day over 30. she has not had any work done. the nobel committee has -- i can't believe they didn't last. if they don't make it, nobody. can this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause]
>> stephen: thank you so much. please. sit down, everybody. i want the thank you for that ovation. i mean this in the best possible way, i am a junkie and you are my pusher. welcome to "the report." nation, my guests tonight are black star, fronted by legendary hippity poppers, mos def, you lamo grandpas out there, and friend of the show talib kweli. there is an electric atmosphere in the house, dare i say in the hizzi. i'm sorry. what's that? i don't dare. okay. let's edit that out. my apologies to the entire hizzie. speaking of black star, herman
cain. for weeks i've assumed the republican primary because two-horse race between mitt romney and rick perry. but they have been joined in the top tier by this dark-horse candidate, an expression i use only because he's an unexpected challenger, not because he's a horse. [laughter] now, in the latest cbs news poll, the former godfather of pizza, the hardest working man in the business has vaulted to a tie for the first place with mitt romney at 17%. cain has picked up all the voters who don't like romney, used to like perry and can't have christie. republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4:00 a.m. barroom pickup. he has a pulse and no visible cold sores. [laughter]
and folks, that is a good thing because cain is on everybody's lips. jim? >> herman cain is surging past rick perry. >> he's now tied with mitt romney for the top spot. >> one candidate continues the rise to the top. we're talking about herman cain. >> take herm cain. look at why he's doing so well right now. i guess you can say with all due respect the flavor of the week because herm cain is the one up there who doesn't look like he's part of that permanent political class. herb cain is from a working-class family. >> stephen: yes, herb cain is from a working-class family. i wonder where herman cain came from. someone should ask sandra palin about him. clearly if he's a leader, he's at the top, if cain is at the top, he's my guy. i like what he stands for. i wonder what he stands for. [laughter] jim? >> he would like to roll black
guns, bring back "don't ask, don't tell." i think that you believe being gay is a choice. >> yes. >> and to think that gay is a choice, i don't know how the respond to that. i mean, i don't think that anybody in this world wants to be gay considering all of the vilification that is brought upon someone who is gay. why would you choose that? >> well, you show me the science that says that it's not, and i could be persuaded. >> stephen: that's a huge gaffe for cain. a republican candidate acknowledging the existence of science. [laughter] youch. that's going to cost him a couple of points. of course, immediately after this, republican gay rights organization the log cabin republicans fired back saying, "the claim that a person chooses to be gay or lesbian has been discredited by every major professional medical organization. an individual's orientation is no more a choice than the color of skin and whether he is
left-handed." oh really. i remember the moment i chose to be a white caucasian male. i was walking president knickson's inauguration and i thought, i want to be like that guy. it was not easy to come out the my left-handed, hispanic, gay parents. los ciento, mis padres. plus, folks, if skin color isn't a choice, how do you explain john boehner? and, folks, i'm right-handed, but i could easily choose to be left-handed. look. i'll throw a ball with my left hand. look at this. there you go. okay. see, just as good as when i throw right-handed. [laughter] and listen, listen, choosing not to be gay was not easy. news flash: having sex with women is no picnic.
okay. it is an ugly, dirty business. first of all, everything's different down there. okay. guys, a little warning: bring manual. [laughter] [cheering and applause] don't know which way's up. the point is herman cain is telling us with this statement that every day he gets up and chooses not to be gay. who knows what will happen tomorrow, because i'll tell you, there is one guy out there herman cain seems to have a crush on. it's herman cain. hi is hot for himself in his new memoir "this is herman cain: my journey to the white house." just listen how much cain believes in himself. in the last paragraph in the book, he says, "well, i'm just about at the elevator up to the
family quarters, but bare with me for just a minute more as i confirm who i am. it's obvious i'm the president of the united states of america." folks, this is a brilliant strategy. with that one sentence, cain has taken away obama's strategic advantage of being america's only president and by fantasizing that he is america's first second black president, cain clearly knows his imaginary place in history. listen to this: "when all the votes were counted on tuesday, november 6, 2012, we will be free at last, free at, last thank god almighty, this nation will be free at last again. yes. because we must not judge a man by the color of his skin, but by the way he pretends to have the content of someone else's character. [cheering and applause] nation... the bible says judge
not lest ye be judged. but what if i want to be judged on how good a judge i am? this is "tip of the hat, wag of the finger." first up, a shocking new proposal out of mexico. for more we go to san francisco kpix, mexico city's new leader. >> a new way to avoid the hassles of divorce in mexico city. city leaders have introduced a proposal for temporary marriage licenses. get this. the contract lasts two years. the married couples can renew the license if they're still happy at the end of that period. otherwise they can split up and the contract covers how they divvy up property and kids. >> stephen: two years. the most important commitment of your life is now less binding than a verizon cell phone contract. so a wag of my finger at mexico city. mexico city, marriage is a
sacred institution that should last forever because once you have made that eternal commitment, you can let yourself go. i mean, just throw on the sweatpants and cancel your gym membership. you can let your ass get its own zip code, let your ears go unplucked, eat on the toilet. okay. that's a time saver. and a two-year commitment? that's a congressional term, which means you're really only married for one year because your second year you're campaigning to be reelected spouse. what if you face a primary challenger with more crowd-pleasing ambassador or a bolder vision for shared housework? your lawn would be cluttered with campaign posters, jose martinez will swiffer under the couch, jose martinez for husband. no way, mexico, marriage is called the ball and chain, not the ball and velcro strap. next up, folks, they get it. folks, i am super pumped for the
upcoming release of "call of duty: modern warfare 3." it lets you bro blow up the streets of paris, london and berlin. you'll destroy so much of europe you'll think you're the greek economy. [laughter] but the big news, the big news is "call of duty's" promotion where just by buying mountain dew and dorito, players can redeem codes in the packaging for double experience time, which gives you more weapons, more perks, more attachment, more kill streaks. and hopefully more words like "kill streak." why not "slaughter strings" and "murder sweeps. " it's a game for kids, please. so a tip of my hat to call of duty for letting the free market decide who is the best gamer. why spend hours and hours building up your skills when you can reach the same scores just by filling up your dorito holes? these free experience points are great because i have always believed that video games are
not lazy enough. [laughter] sitting and pressing buttons, what am i, a machine? but some flava haters out there are complaining who use the snack-bought xp points have a distinct advantage over those who don't because they can reach higher levels without acquiring gaming skills. well, i say this promotion teaches kids a valuable lesson that anything worth achieving through hard work you can also just buy. [laughter] for instance... [cheering and applause] i for one do not understand why you don't qualify for a college degree once you've collected enough snapple caps. for instance, a queen bee can lay 1,500 eggs a day. biology degree, pl [cheering and applause]
talib, mos, good to see you again. you were here this summer. >> i gave you hat. you got the swag. >> stephen: i got swag and you gave me some swagger. we have never met before. many of my audience members may be looking at you and thinking, hey, that looks like mos def, but you are no longer mos def, correct? >> nope, i'm in the using mos def as a professional name anymore. >> stephen: you are? >> yassin bay. >> stephen: why would you not be mos def anymore? he's a famous guy who sells records. why not do that? >> well, i... it's a non de plume similar to what mark twain was. >> stephen: one of america's great et cetera hip-hop artists. >> yes. >> stephen: in his day. >> a great inspiration. >> stephen: though i was offended by the way he dropped the "n" word in "huckleberry finn." that is not right.
okay. so you're not... you guys, you're considered like underground rap, like pioneers of underground rap. what does that mean? is there a difference between that and corporate rap because i love corporate things. >> well, underground rap, it's a ladies and gentlemen -- label that we never really understood. what does it mean, that we don't rhyme above sea level? i don't know. but, you know, there's a lot of diversity in hip-hop. there's a lot of different styles and, you know, across all different genres of art. so, you know, people who like the label things i guess because it's... stephen, it allows me to pigeonhole you. >> exactly, which is favorite pastime for some people. we just do what we do. >> stephen: you have to... i guess this is a rebellious thing. you don't have a concern rat sponsor for your music right now, do you? >> that's what's great about us being able to do this show is that both me and yassin are in
creative spaces and in professional space, but we are not aligned with any particular record company some when we perform music or when you get music from us at this point, you are getting it directly from us. there's in middle man. it's straight independent. >> stephen: i'm the middle man. i'm the middle man. i'm kind of the label for the next couple minutes. i hope i hear a single what i'm hearing. i hope i hear a single. now we're going to change the look. i'm thinking mop tops. >> right. >> stephen: and we add a girl. >> maybe. we got a girl. >> we can do elvis presley in the ghetto. ♪ >> stephen: am i in? >> you're on the team. >> stephen: now, you guys collaborate. a lot of hip-hop people collaborate together. okay. but in any collaboration, like in any partnership, there's one guy that's doing the work and, you know, one guy is there for
the ride. you know what i mean? so you're doing the work? >> that's me. >> stephen: and he's the one who looks pretty and hits the tambourine? >> more cow bell. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: you have a great act coming up called "black star." would you guys stick around and with -- be them. >> before the show, this is our classy warrior package for you. >> stephen: classy warrior? >> just in the event that you get, you know, summoned to that cheney hunting invitational. >> stephen: i might get invite todrick perry's hunting invitational. you guys should head down there, too. >> or golf summit. here's a classy warrior tie for you. >> stephen: classy warrior. >> because if it's a class war, you should be a classy warrior. >> stephen: oh. [cheering and applause] well, guys, are you ready for the colbert bump? >> i came here for the colbert
♪ bad reputation. bad reputation ♪ a lot of cats out there skyline ♪ it's time to bump why you run so hard ♪ douse the house greenwich mean street ♪ announcing time an ounce of mine ♪ down from mine yassinn roll down your blinds ♪ don't outshine what's down is mine ♪ black star new life and true life ♪ desert plains in your name cinematic and classic ♪ i was home anyway ain't missing anytime ♪ i've been away be home with me every day ♪ bates slim body push heavy weights
♪ fix up, look sharp, elevate and i don't mean like copperfield ♪ we're on solid ground above the clouds ♪ black star the wait is over ♪ the game is over there's no escape ♪ we're substantial we got the great name ♪ they got the love handles slimming down ♪ trimming fat getting down with all that ♪ we're talking this and that simmer down ♪ simmer down i can make it rain ♪ black star baby good without it ♪ i'm proud of you ain't a number that could measure your level of coward ♪ you fail in comparison don't get out enough ♪ speakers ain't got enough black star rocking it ♪ proud of us shadows is where you are finding us ♪ trying to bust us.
it's not a drug ♪ populist thank you for reminding us ♪ separate us property laws and algebra ♪ the stars, the stars the sky looks dark ♪ shine lights look ahead ♪ look up fix up ♪ look sharp black star ♪ guitar and when the sky looks dark ♪ shine bright look ahead ♪ look up another uk inplained me phenomen ♪ smash on the tommaton heat like a comic con ♪ rocking until looking very sharp ♪ thank you brother danke schoen
♪ mirror, mirror look ♪ free to find the grandson fixed up, looking sharp ♪ automatic handgun messiah ♪ pariah leader of the syndicate ♪ loophole palaces ♪ trailer park come together ♪ come together fix up ♪ look sharp black star ♪ good god and when the sky look dark ♪ we shine the light ahead look ahead ♪ fix up look sharp ♪ black star good god ♪ and when the sky looks dark shine break ♪ new york city we love you [cheering and applause] >> stephen: black star, talib kweli and yasinn. >> stephen: that's it for "the